Watch this 8 minute video and see how Tony Robbins helps save a marriage by simply asking a man how the 6 basic human needs are being met in his relationship. If you notice right at the beginning the key element that let us know that some of these basics needs are not being met is when the Neil shares “we don’t have many things in common”.
“Love endures only when the lovers love many things together and not merely each other” – Walter Lippmann
Here are the 6 Basic Human Needs and the questions Tony Robbins makes to find out how they are being fulfilled:
1) Certainty/Security – “How certain are you that he is going to stay and love you?…How certain do you feel in moments about that?”
2) Uncertainty/Variety – “How much variety does he bring home to you, surprise, desires, playfulness that you don’t expect to serve you and light you up from 0-10?”
3) Uniqueness/Significance – “How do you feel when you play the guitar?” “When you are home with your wife, how significant do you feel?” “How significant does Neil make “you” feel from 0-10?”
4) Love and Connection – “Do you love your wife?” “Does Neil love you?…How loved do you feel from 0-10 by him these days?”
5) Growth – “How much are you guys growing together?”
6) Contribution/Service – “How much do you feel he is trying to contribute to you?” “What are her goals in life?”
When our basic human needs are not being fulfilled in a relationship, especially our top two needs (they vary from person to person), we often begin to question our love towards our partner. The problem is that most people are not even aware of what the 6 basic human needs are and even worse is that when we try to fulfill other peoples needs we often do this by doing what WE THINK would fulfill those needs. We fulfill their needs the way WE LIKE to fulfill our OWN NEEDS. Unfortunately this rarely if ever works out, because we all have different needs in terms of priority and different preferences when it comes to fulfilling those needs.
When Tony asks Neil to put himself in the position of his wife and asks him “How certain are you that he is going to stay and love you?…How certain do you feel in moments about that?” Neil answers an 8. Yet Tony Robbins quickly tells him “you are thinking like yourself right now…this is were you are deluded” On all the other questions Neil gives himself a score anywhere from 3-5 when it comes to fulfilling his wife’s needs and a 0 when it comes to growth and contribution. It is no surprise that his wife feels insignificant, unloved, uncontributed to and not growing with Neil. This is the reason why she gives him an ultimatum and prevents him from playing the guitar with the band.
Neil has been completely focused on satisfying HIS OWN NEEDS and not the needs of his wife. When he realizes this, focuses on the artistic nature of his wife and satisfying her needs the relationship completely transforms. But first Neil was required to step up as a man, make his wife a top priority and give her what she has been desperately asking all along… love and attention. Sometimes what we think it takes to save a marriage is much simpler that what we could have ever imagined.
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The secret to making sure your partner satisfies your needs is to first become aware of how to fulfill your partners 6 basic human needs and then do what must be done in order to fulfill those needs (you want to score anywhere from 8-10). What do you think will happen when you are in a relationship and you fulfill your partners 6 basic human needs consistently? They will become YOUR LOVE SLAVE 🙂 and because of the Law of Reciprocity they will be more than eager to find out what are your needs and what they can do to fulfill them. Yet most people expect their partners to fulfill their needs before they can return the favor, but this approach leaves both partners expecting while no needs are being met. And of course they soon fall into the Expectation->Disappointment->Blame karmic loop. If you are in a relationship and you feel that your needs are not being met then you must change your approach and begin to focus on fulfilling your partners needs so that when they are ecstatic and drunk in love with you because of how fulfilled they are, then you can tell them “My love this is what I want…” and they will most likely tell you “Of course! You deserve it!”