Are you getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons? I would say that the vast majority of people around the world get into relationships to get something out of them. Often what they desire to get out of a relationship is to fulfill their own need for love, approval and appreciation. And it is this need to seek love, approval and appreciation outside of themselves that reveals the biggest flaw when it comes to the success of any relationship. This mindset of “what can I get from a relationship?” is a reflection of lack consciousness that basically says “I want to get what I think I don’t have within myself.” and thus the true nature of the Self (love) is denied. The truth is that any attempt to fill this void will be futile because it can’t be filled by something or someone else outside of yourself. Only you can fulfill this void by cultivating a state of absolute self-love, self appreciation and giving yourself total approval.
There are many ways that people deny themselves of their own love, approval and appreciation. You see most of us become really good at the game of trying to be the “perfect” partner for that other person and throughout our relationships we have learned what other people find desirable and undesirable in us. Maybe in a previous relationship a partner didn’t like the way you dressed, expressed yourself, some of your ideas or beliefs. Then what happens is that you perceive these “undesirable” parts of who you are as a threat that will possibly prevent you from getting into a relationship and losing this relationship once you “get it”. So logically you hide, repress, and deny these aspects of yourself by changing your behavior and ways of thinking in order to fulfill what YOU THINK the other person is looking for in a relationship. By now you have entered the relationship game of Pretending To Be Perfect for that other person and so far everything has gone according to plan because he or she likes you and wants to be with you. But there is a major problem or should I say disaster lurking ahead, because the moment this person tells you “I love you” your subconscious mind will not believe them, for they are loving a façade you have created not your true self.
But still you might want this person’s love, approval and appreciation. As the relationship evolves you learn what parts of you they don’t like so you continue to hide and close those parts of yourself, you suppress them because perhaps you have the fear of being abandoned, the fear of not being loved, the fear of being rejected or the fear of not being good enough. By now the relationship has become a trade with the underlying through “I won’t do this if you don’t do that” or “I’ll give you this if you give me that.” Sometimes these trades are small and other times the trades are huge.
Slowly you begin to tap dance and walk around egg shells so that you don’t trigger or upset him or her. Ultimately you begin to feel the pain of holding who you truly are and possibly you will try to repress this pain as well. The irony is that no matter what you do, sooner or later you will want to get out of this relationship because one way or another you will stop receiving or getting what you thought you would get out of the relationship. So when you stop getting what you wanted that’s when you want to get out of the relationship, that is of course if the other person did not end the relationship already based on the same reasons.
“The purpose of a relationship has nothing to do with what you think you can get out of it and everything to do with what you choose to put into it. But not putting something into it as a means of extracting from it what you wish to receive but simply putting something into it as a means of noticing who you really are. So what you put into a relationship be sure that you put into it authentically and never deny for one moment the real you.”- Conversations With God
So what is the right way to enter a relationship? First is to give yourself love, approval and appreciation. Once you are in a state of wholeness you enter the relationship with the state of mind of “What can I give in this relationship? What can I contribute?” This however doesn’t mean that you won’t accept the love, approval and appreciation from the other person, quite to the contrary now more than ever will you be able to truly receive another person’s love without the need to extract it from them. In this state of wholeness you know Who You Are and Who You Desire To Become, you feel at home in your own skin and you are eager to show your authentic Self. You are certain there is always someone that will find the true authentic you attractive and lovable for them to stay and discover more of Who You Are. Finally you find a person who falls in love with the true YOU and when they finally say “I love you” you believe them and your heart opens even more this higher giving love.