When it comes to relationships, whether it is my relationship or the relationship of one of my clients I expect nothing but outstanding relationships, relationships that literally stand out and transform into transcendental relationships. The adjective transcendental can be defined as being beyond ordinary or common experience, thought, or belief. We all know what an ordinary and common relationship looks like and feels like. But what does a transcendental and outstanding relationship look like, what principles define it and what makes it go beyond any previously established relationship experience, thoughts or beliefs? Below I will share with you some of the principles that when applied and practiced will take any relationship into a state of transcendence, harmony and to a level of outstanding.
Principles for Outstanding Relationships
Letting Go of the Past – a relationship that lives in the past and constantly brings it up to the present moment is a relationship that rapidly grows old and boring. The only way to keep a relationship fresh is to treat the relationship just like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Only then can you be absolutely present in the moment and see the essence of the person who is your partner.
Essence – we all make mistakes and we all have issues to work on, “demons” to tame. When we confuse our partner with a personality or a story they have created or identified with, we lose sight of their true essence. This is the essence that we were able to see in the beginning of the relationship and made us fall in love.
Non-violence – although most of us agree that physical violence in relationship is something not to be tolerated, it is also of vital importance to maintain a state of “ahimsa” (non-violence) with our thoughts. Our thoughts create and influence reality and when we project violent thoughts towards ourselves and/our partner we are being violent whether we act out those thoughts or not. So always choose kindness in words, thoughts, emotions and actions.
No Agenda – we can certainly make plans but things not always go our way, when this happens we can get frustrated or angry or simply flow with What IS. No agenda means being flexible and dropping the need to control everything. Often reality will have an agenda of its own, if we argue with reality and believe that things “should” or “shouldn’t” be that way, like Byron Katie says we will lose 100% of the time.
Giving Space – having our own personal space in a relationship is a must if we desire to create a healthy and functional relationship. Often when one person is in some sort of emotional upheaval or distress the other person can invade their partner’s personal space by trying to heal their pain or asking too many questions. The awareness from that person is no longer within their body or their energy field, rather their awareness is now all over the person who is in distress. When this happens you can focus on being completely present in your own field of awareness (a feeling of being grounded and centered) and even though you might be physically close to that person you will still be giving them their own personal space. This way and state of presence actually offers greater support for the other person and when they are ready and if they do need your help, they will ask for it. But sometimes this type of presence is enough.
Taking a Pause – when it comes to communication the art of taking a pause can allow you to fully listen to the other person and avoid interrupting or having an unconscious emotional reaction. As well taking a pause can be a great tool in to apply in the midst of a heated argument. You can say to your partner “Let’s take a 10-15 min. pause and then come back.” This will instantly shift the energy dynamic, allowing each person to re-focus, change their state and have a different approach.
Making Eye Contact – if you desire more intimacy in your relationship simply practice making more eye contact. When your partner is talking to you make eye contact, put the phone or iPad down. Don’t give the excuse that you can multitask and listen to them while you are doing something else. It is better to say “Please let me finish what I am doing and then I’ll give you my undivided attention.” than simply pretend to listen and not give them your undivided attention.
Using “I” Statements – when you express how you feel or what you believe in regards to a situation or your perception of reality avoid using words like “us” or “we”. For example “I think we tend to repeat mistakes because we are not willing to change.” Now simply notice the difference when you say “I think I tend to repeat mistakes because I am not willing to change.” Notice how on the 2nd example you take full responsibility, you hold yourself accountable and you don’t generalize, resulting in greater personal power.
Naming – let’s face it, if your partner is not a psychic chances are that if you are not clear in expressing what you want or don’t want, your partner won’t figure it out even if you get mad and expect him/her to know. When I expect my beloved to know what I want, I am setting myself for disappointment and blame. It is easier for both of us when I say exactly what I want or how I feel.
Tracking – there is always relevant information available in addition to what your partner is saying through their words. Their body language and tone of voice for example are always telling a story and like a detective you can decipher if this story is congruent or incongruent with what they are actually saying. Someone may pretend to be really interested in what you are saying, but you suddenly notice that one of their feet is pointing towards you while the other is pointing in another direction. This tells you that they really want or need to go somewhere else.
Letting Go of Entanglements – relationships will often reveal certain familial entanglements like blind love and hidden loyalties. For example when the man adopts the attitude of a teenager and the woman adopts the role of his mother. This is an entanglement that can have devastating effects on the relationship, especially intimacy, if both partners do not consciously decide to transcend these roles. Another example could be of a husband who cheats on his wife only because he is being loyal to his own father who used to cheat on his wife. Subconsciously he is saying “Father I love you and I will do as you did, in this way I can honor you.”
Safety – feeling safe in a relationship is of utter importance especially when it comes to women. If a woman does not feel safe she won’t be able to fully trust her partner. You can consciously create a space of safety at all times by asking yourself “Do I feel safe?”
Turn or No Turn – in life sometimes it is our turn and sometimes it isn’t. Recognizing when it is your turn is as important as recognizing when it is not your turn. In relationships we can be mindful when it is our turn to speak and when it is our turn to listen.
Not Taking Things Personal – this is one of the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has been said by many great teachers that relationships are the greatest mirrors and that our partner can indeed be our guru. When your partner judges, criticizes, blames or diminishes you, take a pause before you react unconsciously and keep in mind that what they are saying is only a projection of what they need to work on themselves. Even when your partner gives you unsolicited advice you can remember the words of Byron Katie “All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear.”
Language of Personal Power – when you drop all blame vocabulary like “Is your fault.” and choose words of personal power like “You are responsible.”, the energy dynamic in your relationship will experience a true alchemy. Another simple yet profound personal power language habit one can implement in a relationship is to eliminate all complaints. Complaining doesn’t serve any purpose other than projecting low frequency energy, it never contributes to solving a problem.
Asking Better Questions – our brain is like a servo mechanism that once it hears a question it must find an answer. Different types of questions will deliver different types of answers. Take for example the following scenario: You have messed up once again in your relationship by saying something or doing something and you ask yourself “What is wrong with me?” Your brain will immediately look for all the data that validates what is “wrong” with you, like all the past mistakes and failures you made. But instead if you asked a question like “How can I use my relentless focus, strong intention and ability to learn to change this behavior into a more loving, kind and understanding behavior?” Your brain always will give you an answer, what type of answer do you think you will receive? An outstanding answer!
Despite being simple, these principles when applied consistently will lead to an outstanding relationship imbued with transcendental qualities. Once you embody these principles you will notice that they can be applied to all areas of life.