When it comes to relationship success; effective and intelligent communication is king. There are things we often do unconsciously that will create a stronger connection and build rapport with the person whom we are communicating with, whether it is a complete stranger, a family member or our spouse. What if you suddenly became aware of the key verbal and body language triggers that instantly make other people feel more connected to you, attracted to you or easily persuaded by you? Imagine the impact this would have on your relationships and how you could ethically persuade other people or completely transform an argument into a bonding experience.
When it comes to communication, people (especially women) do not just pay attention to what you say but how you say it. Your body gestures, facial expressions and your entire physiology are constantly telling a story. Even the tonality of your voice can say a lot about how you feel and if you are being congruent with the actual words that are coming out of your mouth (telling the truth or lying). Rapport can be defined as being “in sync” with another person and subconsciously telling them “Hey, I am like you”. People are more likely to have good rapport and feel connected to someone else if they LIKE that person.
Matching and Synchronization Technique
Step 1: Match your physical gestures, body posture and breathing to them. Basically do what they do (sit like they sit, move like they move and talk like they talk). People find comfort and attraction in similarity, often unconsciously.
Step 2: Verbal synchronization consists of synchronizing your spoken words when they exhale and be silent when they are breathing in. Simply watch the rise and fall of their shoulders to notice when they exhale and inhale, match their breathing even if you need to break a sentence. This is very hypnotic because when we are exhaling we are more relaxed and open. In addition match the tonality of their voice.
- special connection, they won’t know why
- you can guide their actions, persuade them and influence them
- you will be communicating on a subconscious level
The magic lies on how we say things rather than what we actually say. Of course words by themselves are very powerful yet when you combine them with body language and the tonality of your voice this will amplify your communication skills. Research has also shown that when you sit directly across from someone or to their right they will tend to like you more. Your body language and the tonality of your voice will be interpreted by the “happy” side of their brains, if you sit to their left they will feel slightly irritated and you could be asking for trouble.
One thing I love to do is simply imagine a sign above their head that says: “Make me feel important.” Then I choose to talk about THEIR interests and I express genuine curiosity and concern about them. People love to talk about themselves and what THEY are interested in. The key is to find out what is of extreme interest to them and talk about it. If this is genuine, it allows a connection to happen on a deep emotional level. Think about it, have you ever genuinely listened to someone else, basically said nothing and by the end of their sharing they thought you were the greatest conversationalist ever?
Fundamentally we are all selfish. Let me give you an example to prove my point: when you are shown a group picture that you are part of, whom do you look at first in that picture? Yourself of course! We all do this and we are most comfortable talking about the things we like. This is why asking someone what they are interested in is so powerful, it makes them think you are just like them and they will be more likely to trust you and feel safe with you (extremely important in relationships). So if you are having constant challenges in your relationship, you feel distant from each other or you simply desire to build a stronger connection all you need to do is build rapport. Since we are all selfish we want our needs to be met first and when it comes to fulfilling others needs we tend to fulfill their needs the way we like those needs to be fulfilled for us. This of course doesn’t work. So the more you genuinely focus on what other people are interested in and what they like, the more rapport you will build with them. And because of the Law of Reciprocity, they will then feel the need to fulfill your needs and be genuinely interested in what you like. It is a win win situation.
Before you go ahead and implement these techniques to build rapport I would like to share with you some amazing findings from a scientific study. Researchers took 40 college students, 20 girls and 20 guys and had them sit across from each other. They could only say 3 words, but they had to say them with as much love, caring and compassion as possible.
The 3 words were: Pass the salt.
Interestingly 90% of the paired couples began dating and 4 of them actually got married. So it is not WHAT you say, it is HOW you say it.